mikealynch – MIKEALYNCH

Dragon’s Rage

In a faraway land, there was a dragon named Dracul. Dracul was unlike any other dragon in the kingdom. He was a friendly dragon who loved to spend his days exploring the forest and making new friends.

One day, while exploring the forest, Dracul stumbled upon a talking ear of corn. The corn was different from any other ear of corn that Dracul had ever seen before. It was friendly and spoke in a soft and gentle voice. Dracul was fascinated by the corn and soon the two became good friends.

Every day, Dracul would visit the corn and they would spend hours talking and sharing stories. The corn would tell Dracul about the history of the forest and the animals that lived there, while Dracul would tell the corn about his travels and adventures.

One day, a young boy from the nearby village stumbled upon the talking corn. The boy was hungry and decided to eat the corn, not realizing that it was Dracul’s friend. When Dracul found out what had happened, he was filled with rage. He flew to the village and burned down the entire village in his anger.

Afterwards, Dracul was filled with guilt for what he had done. He realized that his anger had caused him to do something terrible, and that he had hurt innocent people. Dracul vowed to never let his anger get the best of him again and to always try to understand the perspective of others.

From that day on, Dracul became an ambassador of peace, traveling from village to village, sharing stories and bringing people together. He also made a vow to always remember his friend, the talking ear of corn, and the lessons he had learned about the dangers of anger and the importance of friendship.

Fish Dentist

AI Prompt:

gary is a chocolate chip cookie that dreams of becoming a professional wrestler. one day while training to become a wrestler gary is walking past a birthday party and becomes tangled in balloons. he floats up into the sky.up in the sky gary meets a canada goose named francine. francine helps gary safely land on the ground. however at this point francine is tempted to eat gary. gary escapes slayer. after many months of travel gary finally arrives back home where he settles down and gets a job as a fish dentist. from that point forward however gary is nervous whenever he hears a goose nearby. please write the story of gary in 500 words. 200 of the words should be dialogue.

Output:

Gary: (sighs) One day, I’m going to be a professional wrestler.

Francine: (honks) Really? That sounds exciting.

Gary: Yeah, I’ve been training for months.

Francine: (tilts her head) What kind of training?

Gary: Strength training, cardio, and practicing my moves.

Francine: (nods) That’s impressive for a cookie.

Gary: (smirks) I may be a cookie, but I’m determined to make it happen.

As Gary walks past a birthday party, he suddenly gets tangled in balloons and floats up into the sky.

Gary: (yells) Help! Somebody help me!

Francine sees Gary and flies up to him.

Francine: (honks) Hang on, Gary! I’ll help you down.

She carefully untangles him from the balloons and helps him land safely on the ground.

Gary: (breathes a sigh of relief) Thank you, Francine. I thought I was done for.

Francine: (smiles) No problem. But, um, can I ask you something?

Gary: (curious) Sure, what is it?

Francine: (licks her beak) Can I eat you? You look so tasty.

Gary: (alarmed) What? No! I’m not food, I’m a wrestler!

Francine: (shrugs) Sorry, Gary. I’m a goose, and we eat things like you.

Gary: (defeated) I guess I should have expected this. I’m just a cookie after all.

But Gary uses his quick thinking and wrestling moves to escape Francine’s clutches and continues his journey back home.

After many months of travel, Gary finally arrives back home and settles down as a fish dentist.

Gary: (to a patient) Open wide, Mr. Goldfish. Let’s take a look at those teeth.

But from that point forward, Gary is always nervous whenever he hears a goose nearby.

Gary: (whispers) I’ll never forget the day I met Francine. She could have eaten me alive.

Patient: (blubs)

Gary: (smiling) Don’t worry, Mr. Goldfish. You’re in good hands with me.

Cookie Captain

AI Prompt:

gary is a chocolate chip cookie that dreams of becoming a professional wrestler. however, gary’s parents do not approve of his decision. gary’s parents are a thirty two year old polish american sausage vendor and a jumbo bag of circus peanuts named clarissa. clarissa speaks english poorly as french is her first language. please write a 300 word conversation with gary and his parents. gary should announce his intentions to become a professional wrestler and his parents should try to convince him why this is a terrible idea.

Output:

Gary was nervous as he approached his parents, but he knew he had to tell them his dreams. He took a deep breath and began.

“Mom, Dad, I’ve decided that I want to become a professional wrestler,” Gary announced.

His parents looked at him in shock. “What?! No, Gary, that’s a terrible idea,” his mother Clarissa exclaimed in her thick French accent.

“But why not? I’ve always loved wrestling and I think I could be really good at it,” Gary countered.

“Because it’s dangerous, Gary. You could get seriously hurt,” his father, the Polish American sausage vendor, added.

“I know it’s dangerous, but I’m willing to take that risk. Wrestling is my passion and I want to pursue it,” Gary insisted.

Clarissa shook her head. “No, no, no. You need to think about your future, Gary. Wrestling is not a stable career.”

“I understand that it’s not a traditional career path, but I believe I have what it takes to make it,” Gary argued.

“You’re just a cookie, Gary. You don’t have muscles or bones. How can you even think about wrestling?” his father scoffed.

Gary felt a pang of disappointment at his father’s lack of faith in him. “Just because I’m a cookie doesn’t mean I can’t be a wrestler. I may not have muscles or bones, but I have heart and determination.”

Clarissa sighed. “Gary, we just want what’s best for you. We don’t want to see you get hurt or fail.”

“I appreciate your concern, Mom, Dad. But I have to follow my dreams. Wrestling is what makes me happy and fulfilled,” Gary said firmly.

His parents exchanged a glance before finally nodding in resignation. “Alright, Gary. If this is truly what you want, we won’t stand in your way. But please promise us that you’ll be careful and take care of yourself,” Clarissa said.

Gary smiled, feeling grateful for his parents’ acceptance. “Thank you, Mom, Dad. I promise I’ll do my best.”

AI Prompt:

gary is a chocolate chip cookie that dreams of becoming a professional wrestler. however, gary’s parents do not approve of his decision. gary’s parents are a thirty two year old polish american sausage vendor named JubJub and a jumbo bag of circus peanuts named clarissa. clarissa speaks english poorly as french is her first language. please write a 400 word conversation with gary and his parents. gary should announce his intentions to become a professional wrestler and his parents should try to convince him why this is a terrible idea. Gary runs from his parents and falls into a glass of milk and nearly disolves until his father JubJub leaps in and saves him. This experience convinces Gary to become the world’s first cookie submarine captain.

Output:

Gary: Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you. I want to become a professional wrestler!

JubJub: What? Gary, you’re a cookie. You can’t just become a wrestler.

Clarissa: Oui, mon cheri. You should consider another career path.

Gary: But wrestling has been my dream since I was a little cookie dough ball! I want to entertain people and show them what I’m made of.

JubJub: Gary, being a wrestler is a dangerous profession. You could get hurt badly or even worse.

Clarissa: Oui, it’s true. You should think about your safety.

Gary: But I believe in myself and my abilities. I know I can do it.

JubJub: Gary, we love you and we want what’s best for you. Becoming a wrestler is not a wise choice. There are other ways to make people happy.

Clarissa: Oui, mon petit, perhaps you can become a chef and make delicious treats for people to enjoy.

Gary: I appreciate your concern, but I have to follow my dreams. I have to take risks in order to achieve greatness.

Suddenly, Gary runs away from his parents and accidentally falls into a giant glass of milk.

Gary: Oh no! I’m dissolving!

JubJub: Hang on, Gary! I’m coming to save you!

JubJub jumps into the milk and pulls Gary out just in time.

JubJub: Are you okay, son?

Gary: Yes, Dad. Thank you for saving me.

JubJub: That was a close call. You see, Gary, wrestling is not the only risky thing out there. Sometimes even the simplest things can be dangerous. You need to be careful.

Gary: I understand, Dad. I’ve decided to become the world’s first cookie submarine captain. It’s still risky, but I believe I can do it while also being safe.

Clarissa: Oui, mon cheri! That is a brilliant idea!

JubJub: We’re proud of you, son. Whatever you choose to do, just remember to be safe and take care of yourself.

Gary: I will, Dad. Thank you for supporting me.

Chorizo cookies

I baked a cake today. A birthday cake. Red velvet. I enjoy baking. I’m better at baking bread than cake. Bread requires fewer ingredients. Usually. Yeah. Bread has more steps but fewer ingredients. There’s kneading, which is some work. But it’s pleasant. And I like the whole yeast thing. I get a cup of water, right around 110 degrees. I put some sugar in. I add yeast. The yeast blooms. Then you pop in flour and more water and off you go. Salt.

With cake you’re about to get going then you realize the butter isn’t room temperature. So you wait. Wait for the butter to warm up. It needs to be room temperature. I’m not sure why. God forbid you need buttermilk. The grocery stores around here have one brand of buttermilk. The expiration date? Tomorrow. Don’t sniff it. Buttermilk smells weird. Is this what buttermilk smells like? Has it gone bad? You need eggs and baking soda and salt and vanilla and flour, etc.

Something always goes wrong when I bake a cake. For example. Today, there was no red food coloring. I baked a red velvet cake, you see. I bought red food coloring. I remember the tiny box. I brought my youngest daughter to the grocery store. She sat in the shopping cart, taking it all in. She rarely visits the grocery store. It’s very exciting for her. AVOCADOS! BALLOONS! HOT DOGS! COOKIES! BLACKBERRIES!

I picked the red food coloring box off the shelf. A tiny box. I showed it to my daughter, put it in the cart, paid for it. I see it on the receipt. But I don’t recall unpacking it. I don’t recall removing it from a grocery bag and putting it in the pantry. Maybe it was misplaced. I couldn’t find it. So the cake wasn’t red. Sort of reddish brown. It was a reddish brown velvet cake.

You need to sift flour. I hate sifting flour. I hate cleaning those metal sifters with their tiny, obnoxious holes.

I like baking pie more than cake. Flour and butter and salt. Fun. I like pie crust. I like the potential of pie crust. You can put anything in there. Apples. Pumpkin. Pepperoni. Cheese. You can do whatever you want. It’s a pie crust. Cake doesn’t really work that way. Cake is inflexible. No one wants to eat a chorizo cake. Bread and pie, you can do whatever you want. I also like the little beads you put in the crust when you pre-bake it.

What about cookies? I wonder if anyone would tolerate a chorizo cookie? Maybe it depends on how you make the dough. I would eat it. Pasta, I also like making pasta.

Goose farts

In the time between compact disks and streaming, we had mp3s. A person would use software to search for music and download the music from other users. It was fun. Back then internet connections were garbage, so I spent a lot of time hunting for users who had good connection speed and a lot of interesting music. Some people didn’t share music, they only downloaded it. The term for that was leeching. Do people still say that? Who cares. We’re probably taking about 1999ish is when this started and it stayed this way for a good long time. Throughout my 20s and into my 30s. Eventually it became more convenient to just stream music using Pandora, Spotify, whatever.

Back in 2000 you would have thousands of mp3s on your computer. I would visit friends or whoever and music was constantly playing. There was always a laptop attached to a sound system and a sad old desktop riddled with viruses was looping on random through a playlist of thousands of mp3s. You see, the mp3s were files that you played using software. In my experience this software was generally Winamp. You could use Winamp to listen to a song or an album or a list of random songs.

Another new concept was the playlist. Of course had mix tapes in formats like cassette or cd. I loved making mix tapes. I recorded songs from CDs and the radio. I preferred cassettes because they were durable. And I didn’t own a car with a CD player until long after the technology was relevant. Mix tapes had limitations based on store space (for a CD) or total minutes (for a cassette). Playlists had no such limitation. Playlists could contain thousands of songs, days of music. All kinds of music. I made a lot of playlists.

Time passed and here we are. I work too much. I have two kids. I certainly don’t have the time or energy to curate thoughtful playlists like the navel-gazing weirdo who wore my skin 20 years ago. But I do have a list, one list. That list is goose farts.

I like geese because they are ornery. They eat grass in mud. They go to the bathroom all over walkways. They don’t take any grief. And they stick together. I overthink a lot of garbage. This is probably a relic from when I had way too much time on my hands.

I started adding songs to goose farts in 2016. I originally created it earlier than that, but my Spotify account got hacked. I got to work one morning and realized some bozo deleted my playlist and all my albums. So I booted him out, set up 2FA, and started again. All the songs are sorted based on the order I added them. That’s not particularly helpful. Sometimes songs go dark: they stay on the list but I guess they’re no longer on Spotify. That’s an annoying nuance I didn’t have to deal with in 2002. Oh well.

Shovel reptile

I’ve been reading Digging Up the Past by Edwin Colbert. I bought the book a couple of years ago. I was excited about the lystrosaurus and continental drift. The lystrosaurus (meaning shovel reptile) was a funny looking reptile that was built like a pig. I say funny looking. I’m being kind. That said, the lystrosaurus survived the mass extinction event at the end of the Permian period. It was a dumb looking but badass reptile that survived an apocalypse and went on to dominate earth in the early Triassic for millions of years. Cool. Edwin Colbert was a paleontologist. Colbert found a lystrosaurus in Antarctica. Lystrosaurus fossils had previously been found in Africa and India. This discovery ultimately led to broader acceptance of the continental drift theory.

Anyway, Edwin wrote this memoir, Digging Up the Past, in the late 80s, at the tail end of his career. Several years ago I was all fired up about the lystrosaurus. Who knows why? Probably because it’s stupid looking and I’m a sucker for anything that looks stupid. I was also really excited about continental drift. I hate the concept of permanence. Nothing is permanent. Not even the location of the ground beneath our feet. I love that. So here is a book about a guy who dug up a stupid looking reptile and wrote about continental drift. Double whammy. Because I’m Mike Lynch I promptly bought the book, added it to the pile, and forgot about it. Then I found the book a few weeks ago and started reading it. And to be honest what makes it interesting isn’t even paleontology. He doesn’t even become a paleontologist until about 200 pages into the book.

I was born in 1980. Edwin Colbert was born in 1905. He talks about growing up in the time before cars, what his education was like, rural pre-WW1 Iowa, his family dogs, the neighborhood kids, how he learned his trade (paleontology). The language is dull and the stories are long winded. This book is not a page turner. The guy can write but he’s no Alexander Dumas. He loved reading. I want to say he studied English in college. This book actually turned me on to some books that were popular in Edwin’s day but I had never heard of. Jalna by Mazo de la Roche for example. Apparently Jalna was a big hit in the 1920s. Who knew? Not me. It’s random discoveries like this that make the book interesting. Colbert died in 2001 at the age of 96. He is from an era that overlapped with mine but only for a little while. We shared time on this earth for a good 21 years and yet almost everything about him is entirely foreign to me.

Anyway. Why am I still writing about this?