A Pile of Delicious Leaves

A giraffe was out for a stroll on a lovely spring morning. Suddenly, out the corner of its eye, the giraffe noticed a pile of delicious leaves resting peacefully on the sidewalk.

Well, it just so happens that delicious leaves were the giraffe's favorite food in the whole world, so when it spotted the pile, it was pretty stoked, you know?

The giraffe's eyes bugged out of its skull and it did a little happy giraffe jig. Then it walked over and devoured the entire pile of delicious leaves. It was some tasty business.

Shortly after the giraffe ate the very last delicious leaf, a light bulb walked out of a nearby building. The light bulb trotted up to where the giraffe stood. It had a confused look on its face.

"Hey," said the light bulb to the giraffe, "have you seen a pile of delicious leaves around here?"

"Uh…," said the giraffe.

Then the light bulb noticed leaf crumbs all over the giraffe's shirt.

"You dick!" said the light bulb. "You ate my pile of delicious leaves!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," said the giraffe. "Hold on a second. That was your pile of delicious leaves? Sorry, dude, but I don't have a ton of self control, you know? Delicious leaves are my favorite food; you can't just leave that shit on the sidewalk. What am I supposed to do?"

"Dude," said the light bulb, "come on. Just because you have no self control, that doesn't give you the right to haul off and eat random piles of delicious leaves that you find lying around."

"Well, why was it just lying on the sidewalk?" said the giraffe. "How was I supposed to know it belonged to someone?"

"Seriously?" sighed the light bulb. "I mean, do you really think that makes sense? Do you really think that someone would just toss a pile of delicious leaves on the sidewalk for any random asshole to just walk by and eat? Am I supposed to guard my delicious leaves 24 hours a day? Hmm? Of course not. That's ridiculous. You ate my fucking leaves. You're a douche bag and a thief."

The giraffe sort of felt like a piece of shit.

"Okay," it said. "You got me. I'm a dickhead. I shouldn't have eaten your pile of delicious leaves, but I did. I wasn't thinking. I feel pretty shitty about it, so I'll tell you what I'm gonna do: I'm gonna pay you back."

"Oh yeah? How? You got another pile of delicious leaves stashed somewhere?"

"No, but I'll let you eat something of mine."

"You'll what?"

"I'll let you eat something of mine, you know? So we're even. I ate your leaves, and you can eat something of mine. You can come by my apartment. I'll let you eat anything you want."

"Whatever I want, huh? Do you have a computer?"

"Uh... yeah."

"Can I eat your computer?"

The giraffe rolled its eyes. "Look, if you're going to be an asshole – no, no you can't eat my computer. You can eat anything but my computer. I mean, my computer wouldn't even be a fair trade. A computer is way more valuable than a pile of stupid leaves."

"Uh, they weren't stupid leaves – they were delicious leaves."

"Dude, I don't give a shit. You're not eating my computer. I've got plenty of other random garbage you can choose from."

"All right, man. Chill out. I was only fucking around. Christ. I mean, it's not like I was actually going to try to eat your computer anyway. How the fuck would I even do that? It's made of metal."

So the giraffe brought the light bulb back to its apartment. It was only a few blocks away. The place was okay – a one bedroom with vaulted floors and hardwood ceilings. There was a bathtub in the kitchen and a sink in the hallway.

After getting a tour of the joint, the light bulb headed over to the kitchen to choose something to eat. However, after spending a minute bumbling through the giraffe's cupboards, the light bulb was disgusted.

"Dude," said the light bulb, "you don't have any food. This is all junk! I can't eat any of this."

"Oh, come on," sulked the giraffe. "Now you're being a baby. I've got plenty of food."

"It's all shit! Apple Jacks? Twizzlers? Cheese curls? Microwavable burgers? Fucking Zebra Cakes – do you really eat this shit?"

"Uuuh, yeah. Sometimes. I mean, I prefer to eat delicious leaves, but they're not always… like, available."

"I can't believe you eat this shit."

"Well, what do you eat that's so fucking great?"

"I don't know – pancakes, burritos, pizza. Shit like that. You know – food."

"Well, I eat that stuff too, but I ain't got any of it lying around or anything."

"When was the last time you even opened your refrigerator? There's a bottle of milk in here that's three months old."

"Yeah, I bought that when I bought the cereal. That didn't really work out. Apple Jacks are kind of gross. They get soggy too fast. And I don't have much time for breakfast anyway."

The light bulb sighed and shook its head. "Dude, I can't eat any of this."

"FINE. Christ, if I knew you were going to be such a whining picky bitch I never would have suggested it in the first place."

"Fuck you! I'm not being picky. Your food is garbage! Are you trying to kill me with this shit? It's not bad enough that you ate my pile of delicious leaves, now you're going to murder me by feeding me trash. Is that it?"

"Okay, okay, enough. Fuck, I can't take anymore of this. I'll tell you what: there's a diner nearby. Order whatever you want. They have awesome pancakes. You like pancakes, right? I'll buy you some pancakes. How does that sound?"

"That depends how good the pancakes are. I mean, now that I know what sort of crap you eat, how do I know the pancakes are going to be any good?"

"Dude – fuck you. Lay off. Fuck you and fuck your delicious leaves. I don't even care anymore. It's the pancakes or nothing."

"Fine. I guess I don't have any choice then. Pancakes it is."

So the giraffe and the light bulb walked over to the diner. Even though the giraffe was still full of delicious leaves, it found room in its belly for a plate of blueberry waffles, an avocado and cucumber sandwich, and a peanut butter and blackberry milkshake. The light bulb ordered a stack of pancakes.

They ate in silence. The only noise that came from either of them was the slurping sounds they made as they drank the free glasses of water that came with the meal. After they finished eating, the giraffe picked up the bill, and eyeballed the light bulb, who was giving him a stern look.

"So," said the giraffe while rolling its eyes, "how were your pancakes?"

"I guess they were okay."

"Okay, huh?"

"Well, they weren't as good as a pile of delicious leaves would have been."

"Dude, fuck you. I don't want to hear any more shit about those leaves. I bought you the pancakes. We're done."

"I'm just saying – it's the truth. What, am I supposed to lie? Should I act like the pancakes tasted better than a pile of delicious leaves?"

"Fuck you."

"Am I supposed to be grateful or something? Am I supposed to be thanking you for splurging on a five dollar stack of soggy pancakes after you ate a pile – a pile – of delicious leaves that belonged to me?"

"Look: I'm sorry I ate your fucking leaves. I tried giving you my food, but you didn't want it. You said you like pancakes, so I bought you some pancakes. If that's not good enough, I don't fucking care. What do you want from me? What the fuck am I supposed to do? Do you want me to shit the delicious leaves out and give them back to you? Will that make you happy? Seriously. What the fuck do you want?"

"Eh, I dunno. I don't really care. The pancakes were fine. Whatever."

The two of them sat in silence. The waitress breezed by the table and picked up her money without saying a word.

"Well," said the light bulb, "I'm gonna split. Thanks for the pancakes."

"Okay," said the giraffe, "Sorry again about your, uh, delicious leaves."

"Whatever. No big deal."

"What you up to for the rest of the day?"

"Eh. Fucking around. Probably play some Nintendo. I'm trying to make my way through Ghosts 'n Goblins."

"Yeah? That game is fucking hard."

"It ain't so bad. You just have to get used to the timing and stuff."

"I dunno. I've tried it before, but I suck."

"Whatever floats your boat, man. Take it easy."

"Peace out."

After the light bulb split, the giraffe stuck around. It drank a glass of cider and built a tower out of sugar packets.