Laundry Day

Sunday is laundry day at forty nine West Acre Avenue. There is only one washer and one dryer.

Bobby is up first. Bobby doesn't sleep much and because of this he is almost always first to get his laundry started on laundry day. Bobby brings his laundry to the washing machine using a white basket. Bobby puts his laundry in the washing machine first, as he does every week, and then goes back to his apartment where he sits spacing out and masturbating until he falls asleep.

While Bobby is neglecting his laundry, Alexander approaches the washing machine to try and get his laundry started but discovers Bobby got his laundry in the machine first just like he does every week. Alexander briefly inspects the empty white laundry basket Bobby has left on top of the washing machine, then goes back to his apartment and is despondent. This occurs three or four times at thirty-minute intervals. Alexander is very precise.

Bobby wakes up and remembers that he is doing laundry. He scurries to the washing machine, removes his laundry, and stuffs it into the dryer. After he has emptied the washing machine, Bobby discovers an orange lighter, two quarters, and a nickel left in the bottom of the machine. He is ecstatic and raises his hands above his head in triumph. The orange lighter is his favorite, and he leaves it in the washing machine pretty much every week. Bobby then begins to put his quarters into the dryer but discovers one of them is actually a Canadian quarter. Bobby grabs his head with both hands and gives a yelp of shock. He then dashes back to his apartment, grabs a fresh American quarter, and then dashes back to set the dryer into action. With the dryer activated, Bobby runs to his apartment where he bakes biscuits. Bobby bakes biscuits every Sunday without using any instructions and always while missing several key ingredients. Every week Bobby bakes biscuits on laundry day. Every week it is a failure, but each failure is unique. Bobby never manages to fail in the same way twice and this pleases him.

The rumbling sound of Bobby's laundry in the dryer awakens Matilda whose apartment is closest to the laundering facilities at forty nine West Acre Avenue. Matilda, mildly hung over, leaps from her bed. She grabs her laundry, change, and detergent (all of which she had set beside her bed on Saturday evening) and then explodes from her apartment. She is naked aside from an orange pair of sweatpants, which is to say that she is shoeless and topless.

Alexander, who was slowly emerging from his apartment before Matilda burst from her doorway, is startled by Matilda and flees back into the safety of his apartment.

Before you can even ask yourself, "Who is that topless blonde over by the washing machine?" Matilda has her laundry, detergent, and change in the washing machine. She then goes back to her apartment. After she dresses herself comfortably, Matilda strolls gracefully out front to smoke unfiltered cigarettes and water her decaying flowers in their brown porcelain pots.

At about the same time Matilda is slipping on her orange socks with individual compartments for each toe, Alexander is approaching the washing machine to examine its contents and discovers Matilda's laundry is now in the machine. Alexander then goes back to his apartment where he pouts for awhile. This occurs three or four times at thirty-minute intervals.

Bobby is in his kitchen and has forgotten he has laundry in the dryer. His kitchen is covered in flour and pieces of dough. Bobby sits on the floor, gnawing on a "biscuit," and drawing a picture of a turtle. A friend had recently suggested that Bobby buy a pet turtle. "You look like a turtle kinda guy," she'd said. This advice fascinated Bobby and his imagination is brimming with romanticized turtle ownership scenarios. Currently, he is imagining himself paddling down the Mississippi in a canoe while an anthropomorphic turtle sits across from him and strums lazily on a banjo.

Meanwhile Matilda is yanking Bobby's laundry from the dryer and leaving it in his white laundry basket. Bobby's laundry is still damp because Bobby always overstuffs the dryer. When Matilda is finished making a soggy heap out of Bobby's clothing, she stuffs her own laundry in the dryer, inserts quarters and goes back into her apartment.

Once he is certain the coast is clear, Alexander leaves his apartment and places his laundry in the washing machine. He then goes back to his apartment and cooks himself his weekly laundry day lunch: two eggs over easy. He also forgets to toast bread, just like he always does.

While sitting in her apartment and thinking about her mother, Matilda gets a phone call from her mother. Matilda then explains to her mother how she had "just been thinking about calling you," which the mother says is "very odd," to which Matilda replies, "I know, right? So freaky!" and so on. Matilda then sits down, crosses her legs, and begins to talk to her mother on the telephone while picking at her orange socks with individual compartments for her toes.

Bobby is also on the telephone. Bobby is calling neighborhood pet shops looking for the best deal on a turtle and asking turtle-related questions such as, "At what age is it appropriate to remove a turtle from its family?" "Do turtles have claws?" and "Does a turtle have a heartbeat or a pulse?"

Gregory, who lives furthest from the laundry machines of anyone at forty nine West Acre Avenue, has to attend a bar-b-q for work this afternoon and has "absolutely nothing to wear." Gregory would like to launder some clothes so he does not look like a filthy bum in front of his boss and colleagues. However, upon arriving at the washing machine, Gregory finds it in use, so he goes back to his apartment and makes himself a tuna melt.

Alexander's laundry finishes washing but the dryer is not available. Matilda's laundry has finished drying but Matilda has not taken her clothes from the dryer. She is still on the telephone with her mother.

Bobby's damp clothing is still on top of the dryer in his white laundry basket. Bobby is still on the telephone researching turtle ownership. Currently a young woman is explaining to him the differences between a "turtle" and a "tortoise."

Alexander wants to remove Matilda's clothes from the dryer, but he is absolutely incapable of removing another person's laundry from a laundry machine. The notion of doing so horrifies him, especially when there is women's clothing involved. Alexander goes back into his apartment where he twitches and listens to gloomy music.

Matilda is still on the telephone with her mother. There is a lot of drama in the life of Matilda's mother. For instance, just the other day Matilda's mother saw her mailman at the deli but didn't say hello to him because she felt awkward doing so. Now whenever the mailman comes to deliver the mail, Matilda's mother is forced to hide inside her house due to the shame that she feels for not having greeted him properly that day at the deli. Matilda thinks this is "crazy talk," but Matilda's mother will "have none of that."

Bobby walks to the dryer. He is still thinking about turtles but has decided that turtle ownership is too much responsibility for him. On top of the dryer, Bobby finds his white laundry basket filled with his damp clothes. Bobby opens the dryer and finds Matilda's dry laundry. Bobby shakes his head. Bobby's faith in humanity is very fragile, and events like this shatter him. Bobby goes out into the alley behind his building, where he sits and thinks about how much nicer turtles are than people.

Gregory has finished his tuna melt. He has also eaten a pickle. Gregory checks on the washing machine and once again finds it full. Gregory then goes back to his apartment where he begins watching an action-adventure movie.

Alexander checks the dryer but it is still not available. He spends fifteen minutes thinking about how unfair this is and how this always happens to him and how cruel life can be and then he returns to his apartment. He almost cries.

Bobby is in the alley preaching to three or four pigeons which march about him eating the biscuit crumbs that he is feeding them. "It's just not right," says Bobby. "I mean, a man's laundry is a sacred thing." As Bobby finishes saying this, one of the three or four pigeons passes a bowel movement. The pigeon does so without flinching or any noticeable traces of embarrassment. Bobby finds this fascinating. He studies the pigeon with an intense look on his face. He smiles.

Matilda is still on the telephone with her mother. Matilda's mother is thinking about selling her house but doesn't know where she'd like to move. "Could I stay with you while I look for a place?" Matilda's mother asks Matilda. "I could sleep on your futon. I wouldn't mind really." Matilda is horrified. "I've gotta go, ma. My laundry's probably done. I'll call ya tomorrow." Matilda hangs up the phone.

Alexander is reading from a dramatic and depressing book. He hears a commotion from the hallway and pokes his head out the door of his apartment in order to check up on the dryer. He sees Matilda removing her clothes from the dryer. He also sees Bobby further down the hall, luring three or four pigeons into his apartment with a trail of biscuit crumbs. Smiling, Alexander shuts the door to his apartment and waits for the commotion outside to settle down.

When the coast is clear, Alexander emerges from his apartment. The dryer is available and he inserts his laundry. He also puts more clothes in the washing machine. Alexander likes to wash his whites and his colors separately. Alexander then heads back into his apartment and tries to stay occupied by looking at a phonebook and talking to himself about what he will eat for dinner this evening.

Once Matilda has folded and sorted her clean laundry, she heats up some leftover pasta in the microwave and starts to watch a reality television show.

Bobby dashes from his apartment clutching a terrified pigeon. He opens the dryer door, heaves the pigeon inside and slams the dryer door shut. He does this three or four times with different pigeons and then returns to his apartment, where he lies on the couch, folds his arms, and laughs until he falls asleep.

Gregory has finished his action movie. He has also paid his phone bill and cleaned his bathroom. Gregory has almost run out of time, but he makes one last attempt to do his laundry before the bar-b-q this afternoon. However, Gregory once again finds the washing machine in use. Gregory flips out and starts kicking both the washer and the dryer. He knocks over the white laundry basket and scatters Bobby's damp clothes all over the place. Gregory opens the dryer and Bobby's pigeons, which were trapped inside, are freed. The pigeons begin flapping and shitting all over themselves in the process of escaping forty nine West Acre Avenue. This, in turn, terrifies Gregory. Gregory begins screaming and flees from the building without looking back.

After hearing the commotion, Alexander pokes his head into the hallway to check up on the dryer. He is shocked to find his laundry covered in bird shit and pigeon feathers. Alexander then spends three or four hours thinking about how unfair this is and how awful stuff always happens to him and how cruel life can be. He cries a little bit.

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