Laser Tommy

My cousin Tommy can shoot laser beams out of his eyes. It's true. At a party two summers ago we got into a fight cause I stole some money from his loser hippie friends. He was acting real high and mighty about it, saying how they were his friends and I stole their money and it was bullshit. Thing was, those assholes flopped at our house last summer and totally stiffed us on rent. As far as I saw it, the money I stole was money they owed us. Tommy was just being a real jerkoff about it cause one of them was cute and he wanted to get in her pants. Tommy's a total pussy when it comes to chicks.

So after listening to his whiny shit all night, I got fed up. I found him outside by the fire pit and bashed him upside the head with a blue metal folding chair – right in front of his deadbeat fucking hippie friends. It was great. I knocked that bastard right off the log he was sitting on and into the dirt. He bled like a stuck pig. Took about sixteen stitches to lash Tommy's head up, but ever since then he's been able to shoot laser beams out of his eyes whenever he wants.

Women find the laser beams Tommy can shoot out of his eyes to be pretty fascinating. He never got many chicks before and now he sorta gets one from time to time, which is good for him because he's really an ugly bastard. Like space alien ugly. I mean, if some creatures from Neptune landed outside Tommy's house and they lurched outta their spaceship and saw Tommy, they'd probably think he was a member of their species.

But whatever. Tommy's cool. He can shoot laser beams out of his eyes. It's great! He loves to do it. Just ask him. Tommy uses his laser eyes to open soda cans expertly. You know how sometimes when you open a can of soda the tab is sorta in the way and you just can't get the soda flow going right? The whole can is ruined. Well that doesn't happen when Tommy blasts that shit out of the soda can with his laser eyes. Soda never tasted so sweet. But that's not all Tommy uses his laser eyes for. Nope! Tommy can also split Oreo cookies just by looking at them. He can make the frosting stay on whatever side he wants it on. It's pretty cool and goes along pretty good with his soda can gimmick. Opening soda cans and splitting Oreo cookies is pretty much all Tommy uses his laser eyes for though.

Tommy spends a lot of time perfectly opening up cans and perfectly splitting Oreo cookies. He does it all the time. I mean, Tommy practically lives on soda and Oreos. That's probably why Tommy's teeth all rotted away. Seriously. His dental hygiene is fucked. Tommy's got breath like a monkey at the zoo. After most of his teeth rotted out, he got this set of teeth made out of some space-age decay-resistant material that Aunt Mable picked up for him cheap on the home shopping network. Aunt Mable is Tommy's ma. She wasn't too happy about the laser eyes at first but eventually she came around. I'm sure all it took was a can of soda and a few Oreo cookies and she was sold. It usually doesn't take much more than that.

When Tommy first got his laser eyes all our buddies were jealous. For awhile folks used to line up outside Poke's Cocktail Lounge on Friday nights and I'd bash their skulls in with that same metal folding chair I used on Tommy. Everyone wanted to be able to shoot laser beams out their eyes like Tommy. In fact, I used to brain so many folks down at Poke's that it got sorta silly – I mean, those poor doctors at the hospital were stitching up something like a dozen heads every Friday night. That can't be very fun.

Sometimes people still ask me to brain them with the chair and I do it but it's not even the same chair anymore. Last spring we were out back and pretty loaded. Someone tells me there's a skunk out by the dumpster. So I start ranting about how I'm gonna give that skunk laser vision and I go running off with the chair. Well, the skunk sprays me, of course. I smelled like a skunk when I woke up the next morning and I blamed it on the chair. I tossed that chair up on the roof of our neighbor's house. I could probably get it down, but I feel sorta stupid about throwing it up on our neighbor's roof so I just don't bother. What am I gonna do, walk up to their door and ask them if I can use a ladder and get my chair off their roof? I've got this other chair that pretty much looks the same, you know? It doesn't really matter which chair I use anyway. No one ever gets the laser beam eyes like Tommy's got, which suits me fine. But whatever. I like hitting people with chairs.

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