Helicopter Show

Inside a hollow log lived a bumblebee. It was a pretty nice-sized log with a living room, vaulted ceilings, and free laundry. Very comfy.

Aside from having people issues and a bit of a problem with alcohol (no big deal), the bumblebee was a pretty chill dude. He spent most of his time watching television, smoking cigarettes, and eating pollen. Sometimes he did odd jobs to earn some scratch. Mostly computer stuff – websites and what not. Gotta pay the bills, you know? But, more often than not, the bumblebee didn't do anything that interesting.

Life was pretty average inside the hollow log until one day this zebra walked by and accidentally kicked the log. It was like an earthquake, and in all the shaking that went down, the bumblebee's crummy television fell over and smashed on the living room floor. What a drag!

Well, the bumblebee was pissed and rightly so. It cut out of the log, flew up to the zebra, and was like, "Hey asshole, what's up with you kicking my log?"

The zebra was like, "Oh, sorry! Were you inside there? I didn't know."

And the bumblebee was like, "Well, that's fine and dandy but you totally knocked my television over and now it's fucking smashed and not working. What the fuck am I supposed to do?"

"Gosh," said the zebra, shaking its head. "I'm sorry! I guess I wasn't paying attention. That was a pretty shitty thing for me to do."

"I know, right? That's what I'm saying. Jeez. And I was gonna watch this really cool show about helicopters. It's my favorite show, and it's gonna be on in like ten minutes. I've never missed an episode!" The bumblebee sighed, dejected.

The zebra thought about that. "Tell you what," he said, "since I wrecked your television, why don't you come and watch the helicopter show at my place. It's no big deal; I live like five minutes away."

"Really?"

"Sure! It'd be fun."

"Bad ass! Thanks!"

So the zebra and the bumblebee trotted/flew back to the zebra's place. Like the zebra said, it was only about five minutes away. When they arrived, the zebra's girlfriend, a rocket ship, was sitting in the living room drinking coffee and reading a newspaper.

"This is my girlfriend," said the zebra. "She is a rocket ship."

"Wow," said the bumblebee whose eyes were bugging out of his head. He was pretty impressed because he'd never seen a rocket ship in person before. "Have you ever been in space?"

"Oh, only once," said the rocket ship bashfully.

"Nice," said the bumblebee.

The zebra was smiling. He was very upbeat. "When I was walking home," he said, "I wasn't watching where I was going, and I bumped into the hollow log where the bumblebee lives." The zebra shook his head sadly. "Well, I guess I sort of jostled the log and fucked up his television set!"

"What a drag!" said the rocket ship.

"I know," said the zebra. "I feel like a dick. I didn't want him to miss his favorite television program on my account, so I told him he could come by our place and watch it."

"That was a cool idea," said the rocket ship. "Did you tell him that we have a spare television in the garage? It's just been sitting there collecting dust since this Christmas. I bought the zebra a new television for Christmas!"

The conversation continued as such with the rocket ship being very cheerful and the zebra very upbeat. The bumblebee was quickly ensnared in the comfortable atmosphere of amiability, and he totally forgot that the zebra had knocked over his television.

So the bumblebee, the zebra, and the rocket ship sat down in the living room and shot the shit for a couple of minutes until the bumblebee's television show came on.

The episode of the helicopter show was excellent, and as always, the bumblebee enjoyed it very much. In fact, he enjoyed it more on this occasion because usually the bumblebee had to watch the helicopter show all alone.

"You see," said the bumblebee, after the show was over, "I dig on the helicopter 'cause it can just sort of fly around pretty much wherever it wants."

"That's true," said the zebra, nodding. "Airplanes are a real drag. You have to, like, wait in lines and take your shoes off. Plus they have to build up all sorts of speed before they can do anything. You need a runway and a ton of space. And then, once you're in the air, you're sort of limited as far as where you can go and what you can do because you need just as much space, if not more, to land!"

"Exactly!" exclaimed the bumblebee enthusiastically. "It's a total bummer. But helicopters, see, they can do whatever. They are a lot like bumblebees actually."

"I see where you are coming from," laughed the rocket ship. "Sometimes I get a little bummed out that I can only go, like, straight up and down, you know?" The rocket ship heaved a sigh.

"Yeah," said the bumblebee, "but you can go really high and shit. Plus you can go into space. I can't go into space 'cause there's no air; I wouldn't be able to breathe. Also, there's, like, no gravity. I'm not even sure my wings would work all that well without gravity, to be honest."

"Man," joked the zebra, "you two are totally crybabies. I can't even fly and you don't hear me whining. You bastards don't know how good you have it!"

"Oh, you could fly if you wanted to," said the rocket ship. "You could purchase a jetpack. You're just lazy!"

"A jetpack?" snorted the incredulous zebra. "Do you know how expensive jetpacks are? They don't just grow on trees!"

"Sooo melodramatic," said the rocket ship while rolling her eyes. The rocket ship had very pretty eyes.

"It would be cool," said the bumblebee to the zebra, "if you had wings. Like a pegasus or whatever."

"I don't know," said the zebra skeptically. "If I had wings it would be tough to fit through doorways and shit. Plus I would probably have to get them washed or something. Honestly, it would be a pain in my ass."

"See?" said the rocket ship, nudging the bumblebee, "what did I tell you? Lazy!"

The zebra, bumblebee, and rocket ship all had a good laugh.

The weather was nice, so the three of them went into the backyard to smoke cigarettes, drink coffee, and eat lemon biscotti. They talked about ducks and how interesting it would be to float around on a lake all day.

"Plus it would be pretty cool to quack all the time," said the zebra.

The bumblebee and the rocket ship agreed.

Eventually all the coffee and biscotti were devoured. The bumblebee was gonna split but the zebra was like, "You should stay and have a couple of drinks."

But the bumblebee was like, "Oh, I don't want to intrude; I'm sure you guys have stuff to do."

But the rocket ship was like, "No, it's cool. We're actually pretty boring and rarely do much of anything. I usually go for a run in the evening, and the zebra sits in the backyard and plays his harmonica. We'd be happy to have an excuse to do something different."

"Oh," said the bumblebee, who felt a little bit weird about being "something different." Then he turned to the zebra and said, "You play the harmonica?"

The zebra blushed and shrugged his shoulders. "I play a little, but I'm not that good."

The rocket ship clicked her tongue. "Don't let that modesty bullshit fool you," she said. "The zebra plays a great harmonica. You should hear him!"

And the bumblebee turned to the zebra and was like, "Sure, dude, that would be cool."

So the rocket ship went to the liquor cabinet, pulled out a bottle of tasty scotch, and poured out three big glasses of scotch over ice. The zebra, meanwhile, busted out his harmonica and played a sick rendition of "Walk Don't Run" by The Ventures. When it was over, the bumblebee and the rocket ship signaled their approval by doing the rocket ship and bumblebee equivalent of clapping.

"Oh snap," exclaimed the bumblebee, "surf harmonica! That's pretty nasty."

"Thanks!" said the zebra proudly.

The three of them talked, drank scotch, and smoked cigarettes. Every now and then the zebra would play a tune on the harmonica. Mostly punk and surf covers. After a while they lit off fireworks in an old metal canoe. The sound of the fireworks crackling and popping in the metal canoe reverberated in a really pleasant and kick-ass way. The bumblebee, zebra, and rocket ship cackled with delight, and all the dogs in the neighborhood woke up and started barking and howling.

The next thing they knew, it was five in the morning and everyone was tuckered out. The zebra and the rocket ship insisted that the bumblebee spend the night on their couch. "You can crash here," said the zebra. "Tomorrow we'll make some pancakes and bring my old TV back to your place."

But the bumblebee was drunk and stubbornly refused their offer. "My place is only like five minutes away," said the bumblebee. "It's no sweat. I'll just walk back. I don't feel like crashing on the sofa."

"Are you sure?" said the rocket ship and the zebra, who were concerned that the bumblebee was in no state to be out wandering around.

The bumblebee wouldn't hear of spending the night on the couch, however, and he insisted upon walking back to his hollow log. And that's precisely what he did. After stumbling home, the bumblebee dug some pollen out of the fridge, ate half of it, and then passed out.

The next morning, the bumblebee felt like shit. He remembered the rocket ship and the zebra and the cool reverberating sound of the fireworks as they exploded inside the old metal canoe. He was very skeptical of the fun he remembered having. "I was probably drunk," said the bumblebee to himself. And he shrugged.

That afternoon, the bumblebee went to the store and bought a new television. It was a piece of shit, but it was also on sale. The price was pretty reasonable.

A few months later, the bumblebee's landlord jacked up the rent 200 dollars, so he was forced to move out. Luckily he found a dumpster across town that was reasonably priced. He was sad to go, however, and he thought about the zebra and the rocket ship every time he watched the helicopter show.

[back]