Confession

Paul died a few weeks back. It was bound to happen. Long before he even got going I knew I'd have to kill him. That's just the way it is with some people. They don't pan out. Or they do pan out, but just never get enough momentum going to carry them through the whole living ordeal in any way worthy of meriting prolonged survival. So Paul is dead. I killed Paul. I created him and then I made him die.

This isn't to say that I regret the events that transpired during Paul's existence. I never resented Paul. I might have had I ever met him. I likely would have found him irritating. We would never have made it out to the bar for drinks. Or maybe once. Maybe once I might have let Paul con me into going to the bar. But likely not twice, unless he bought all the drinks. We couldn't have possibly gotten along. But that doesn't matter. It's not the author's job to be friendly with his characters. Not if he doesn't want to be anyway. That's why he creates other characters, to do that sort of work. An entire group of individuals all created so that Paul could exist without my ever having to hang out and/or share drinks with him.

The universe in which Paul existed has no name. No specific declaration or location. I never thought to give it one. Not until now anyway. Sometimes I find that in providing a location for the universe in which events transpire, the events become clearer to the casual understander of that universe. I guess in the evolution of Paul's universe, it never became necessary for a location to be decided upon. None of it ever left my head. You follow? What I'm saying is that none of this happened – obviously. I thought that if I were to choose a location, it would be entirely arbitrary. I could say Paul lived in China. The story would then descend upon our universe and settle itself around China. I could say Paul lived in France, St. Petersburg, or Los Angeles, but it doesn't seem to have any point. Not to me anyway. I could even invent a location. I could say Paul lived in Benjamin, a small slightly urban community. But then I'd just have to go and create Benjamin because you don't have any idea of what Benjamin is. I'd just be creating another unfamiliar location that I'd need to develop. Creating people is difficult enough as it is. To paint an original location in which to place a person and make a reader understand and envision said location are goals I simply am not interested in. It would not serve my purpose in any way.

I created the universe, he provided the details. What else could I do? I gave you Paul, and from there he pretty much took over the show. The universe became less my universe and more Paul's. I created Paul, and let him handle things as he saw fit. Paul needed a job? I gave him one. Paul needed friends? I created them for him. And then once Paul had gotten things started for me, I disposed of him. He sort of wrote the story for me. His own author if you will. Made my job a whole lot easier. Please don't think I'm lazy. It's just the only way I know how to do this thing.

I think without the qualities that made Paul such an irritating individual, it wouldn't be possible for Paul to have created his universe. I think a more entertaining bar buddy would not have been the correct person with which to start an interesting universe. I say this not with any specific evidence, analysis, or sound logical reasoning. I say this because I created Paul first. And it just couldn't have been any other way because that's how it was. If it was going to be a bar buddy universe, it would have been a bar buddy universe. But it wasn't.

Did I have to kill Paul? Now that's an interesting question. I'd like to say yes, but I can't be sure. I did kill Paul. I was going to kill Paul. I knew this before I created him. He didn't require a particularly dramatic exit from the mortal plane or anything like that, but I knew he was going to die. But why? I can't say I have a brilliant reason to bestow upon you. I can tell you that Paul's universe would have gained nothing more from his continued existence. I know this for certain. I know this because I created Paul, and I know everything he did, or could have ever done, even if those actions were entirely up to him. While I had no control over Paul, I still know what Paul was thinking. What he could have potentially thought. It just wasn't meant to be.

It could be argued that in existing Paul was harming no one. That Paul was doing the universe a favor by existing, in that his existence assisted in the creating of everything having to do with his existence. The longer Paul was around, the more robust Paul's universe became. But I couldn't have him lingering around. Paul created his universe. I followed him along. Recorded it. Used him. I watched Paul create his universe and I took the universe for my own and killed him. Maybe that was the wrong thing to do, but the notion of Paul existing to a ripe old age just doesn't sit well with me. Perhaps at some point I'll come to understand why exactly it was that Paul had to die. For now? Paul is dead. But it wasn't always that way. There was a Paul.

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